I kept wondering, WHY do I want to make myself uncomfortable by vlogging about aging?
After three days of making lightweight 1-minute videos about aging, the answer came to me:
Because I am near the age my mother was when she took her own life. Which means, I don't have a model for this next stage of life.
Or rather, I was talking to bink about it and I said--no, wait:
I do have a model––my mother's model––and that's the problem.
It's entirely wrong for me.
I am mapping the territory for myself.
When I realized that, I grabbed my phone and went for a walk to talk about it, and then I posted it immediately on my new youtube channel, Me, Getting Older--because I WANT to share this story. I know I am not alone, that we can help one another.
DESCRIPTION: [content note: suicide]
No judgment, only love: my mother left this life when she was around the age I am now. Why am I so eager to talk about aging—and in public?
I realized 3 days after starting this project that it’s because I want to do it—I am doing it—differently than my mother. An explorer without a guide.
What does that entail?
PS. The suicide crisis line in the United States is 988.
Here it is, Mapping Aging, On My Own (10 min.)
to me it would be interesting to hear from other women in our age groups about their mothers. most of us would have been part of the women's lib movement or at the tail end before 2.0 version. I've been reading Judy Chicago's bio about women artist's during the 70's and it is appalling what it was like then. I was in high school then but if I reflect it wasn't much better.
ReplyDeletenot sure that my mother model was much better. my mother told me that I was a failure (5 degrees) and had always been. she was mad because i wouldn't put all my belongings in storage to move in with her and my sister who was undergoing physical therapy from an accident. basically to wait on them hand and foot.
kirsten
Oh, yes, Kirsten, I’m sure I’ve hit on something many share—that many of us did not have good models for aging in our mothers or fathers—or anyone!
DeleteSo we’re learning as we go (hopefully).
That’s atrocious your mother told you you were a failure!
Who says that to their own child?!?
(Too many parents, I’m sure…)
Much to discuss and share!
Possibly your model should be something like your Auntie Vi?
ReplyDeleteMy mother was a bully...so my model is her mother...and my father.
Yes, you’re right, GZ! Auntie Vi is one of my models. But hers was a very different personality than mine and doesn’t suit in many places.
DeleteI’m sorry you had to grow up with a mother who was a bully.
Breaks my heart- I do not know how anyone can reckon with such deep pain, longing, but I will tell. you that if your Mom was still around she would be so pleased with you. You are a lovely person all over the place- she would marve- thanking her lucky stars to have you for a daughter.
ReplyDeleteAs for dry feet- that has not happened yet, maybe because we live in a swamp.What has surprised me is skin- it is doing all sorts of weird things , unpleasant!
What a kind and caring thing to say, Linda Sue, that my mother would be pleased with me. Thank you.
Delete(I think she would have been, actually, yes. She always liked me.)
SKIN!!! Yes, it's a regular Fun House feature of aging!
I should do a Special Edition just on skin.
MY feet aren't so dry here in our humid summer, but even now I sometimes apply lotion. Just weird.
Well, I did not know this supremely sad fact about you. Reading this made me so appreciative of my own mom and realize how often I did look to her for inspiration - still do, although she's passed
ReplyDeleteI’m actually I was glad when people say they didn’t know this about me – –reflecting that its “a” defining feature but not THE defining feature!
DeleteThat’s wonderful your mother was and remains your inspiration! ❤️