I can’t believe how emotional I’ve been today – –it makes me realize that for the last seven weeks, since the first ice raid in the neighborhood where I work, I’ve been holding it together.
I’ve not been feeling much because every day I go to work, I am thinking,
What am I gonna do if ice comes and tries to take away some of my coworkers?
And so I am not really in a position to get all emotional – –it is an absolutely pointless waste of emotions to rage about Trump – – what I need my energy for is to hold it together, to stay in a suspended state of readiness – – so that I can have some kind of sane reaction if that happens— so that I can try and be helpful and not make it worse. And not, myself, get pepper sprayed or arrested or shot.
But, weirdly, I couldn’t really see that that’s what I was doing until today.
Because today with some tiny respite – – who knows what will happen tomorrow, but today there is this tiny respite, this dim possibility of light on the horizon—not light itself, but the reminder of light—all of a sudden I am absolutely enraged and I’m crying, with tears running down my face (I never really cry like that), and I see how hard this has been – – and how hard it will continue to be – – and I’m just so so SO much appreciating people who celebrate this moment, who see and say:
You guys (or “we”) are doing it right.
You are having an effect.
Even if it’s just to a new bad, they shifted because of you.
And I am just staring to hope that if ice comes to my workplace – – and I really am baffled as to why they haven’t already – – that if they come under a new leader, they might actually listen to people when they say they are American citizens – – which all of my Hispanic African coworkers are – – and not drag them off anyway.
No, I don’t know – – but I dare to hope that now, it’s gonna be less likely that anyone will get shot!
and that made it a little bit —no, a lot, better to be at work today.
And I dropped the shield I didn’t even know I had up, and this well of emotion came up.
I don’t actually feel mad at Trump and the ice thugs – – they are playing out some crazy bad karma of their own which is so remote to me, I actually barely have any feelings about it.
(Thoughts, yes. Many many thoughts)
But feelings?
It’s like how I really don’t have any feelings about lizards.
No, I’m angry at people who are apathetic, or who are complaining but doing nothing;
or who are saying—I’ve literally had people say this to me – – “there’s nothing we can do”,
or, “that won’t make any difference”.
I’m even angry – – and I know this isn’t fair, I know it’s an expression of loving concern – –but I’m angry at people telling me to “stay safe” – – because you know what?
That might not be possible.
I am angry at a coworker who told me, when I told him about filming ice,
“Be careful, it’s not worth dying for.”
And I said, “Really? Then what is worth dying for?”
And a customer who is standing nearby overhearing this, said to me “thank you for what you did.”
Now, I really did almost nothing, and I am not in the least bit interested in being a martyr!
But I’m not interested in being a coward either – – and look at how easily people have been martyred here.
They didn’t have to do anything!
So I DO know people meant it kindly – – if you said it to me,
I’m not mad at that!
I’m really just mad at the situation.
This is the crucible that will shape our future, shape who we are.
We will not become gold if we aren’t already gold, but whatever metal we are, we will be refined.
We will be burnished.
Or, we will become ash, god forbid, …but not without a blaze.
——
I’ve said I don’t watch videos, but I do watch a very few people’s – including this woman’s (embedded below).
I love her take on Minneapolis because it matches what I’m seeing—absolutely average people stepping up and not “looking for the helpers” but BEING the helpers.
Today I got or saw two kinds of reactions to the news of ice leadership change and possibly a reduction of numbers of ice troops here.
Some people said,
So what? It’s just more of the same.
Well, maybe so.
I see their point, from a political perspective.
And other people celebrated—NOT because it solves the problems—it doesn’t—but because it shows that we have power, …and we should keep on exercising it!
I can’t tell you what a difference those two approaches made to me today.
Being actually in the middle of it —to have people hold out hope and encouragement and say, yes, this is making some difference – of course of course of course it’s not over, it’s far from over – – but “you in Minnesota are doing something right, and keep doing it!
And I see you, and I support that!”
Or even just to say,
I don’t fucking know – – maybe it won’t get better – – but let’s be crazy and believe it will!
Let’s dare to hope.
And if we’re wrong, we’ll still have placed our bets on the most beautiful horse.
———
After work today, I went into my local deli where I’ve been having a happy hour beer and weaving God’s eyes a couple times a week, since ice came to town. The owner, Kay, has been very very involved in the neighborhood – – a leader—and we have gotten to know each other a little.
I went up to the counter and I ordered my beer, and I said,
“Kay, is it gonna get better?”
Now, she’s politically sophisticated, and I also know enough to know that the realistic answer is,
‘gotta wait and see – –
gotta keep working – –
blah blah blah’.
She looked right at me,
and she said,
“Yes”.
———
Which is what this woman’s video says. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but it is going to get better. Because of what I see in so many absolutely average people around me – – and is the reason the regime can’t nail the resistance to any one leader or group, because it’s so decentralized—
It’s everyday people saying,
“wait a minute, this isn’t right.
I need to do something.”
Anything!
Like, “Gee, I guess the thing I need to do today is to stand in front of a moving tank. [In the video]
Guess I’d better do that.”
Or, get a piece of cardboard and making a sign and go out in subzero weather. Or clean out the food cupboards and take food to a mutual aid drop-off at a church or coffee shop. Or drive someone to work so they don’t get stopped by ice.
Or, or, or … a million little things that add up.
It’s going to get better, yes.
It’s going to get better because a whole lot of “anythings” done by entirely everyday people adds up.
————
Below: “The Trump regime is cooked”
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