There is something to be done in the face of pain. Maybe it's "nothing" (sitting, listening, waiting).
This morning an unkown commenter thanked me for posting this TED Talk: "Sami Moukaddem on Living with Depression and Suicidal Feelings"
That post, "Refueling", was from 2016, and I'm going to post it again, here below.
In contrast, it worried me that my recent post about suicide elicited a comment saying there's nothing they can do if someone is suicidal. I do understand that feeling of helplessness---and if that someone has succeeded in ending their life, of course it's true.
But I was alarmed anyone would think that or get that idea from anything I wrote.
There is something to be done if someone's suicidal.
Simply being there with someone is helpful.
And sharing stories is helpful (though not preaching! As Sami M, says, well-meaning lifestyle advice can
make him feel lonelier and worse:
"And the last thing I need is another sense of defeat.")
Mayo clinic offers a list of "What to do when someone is suicidal"
including,
REFUELING
People in the northern hemisphere sleep more in October than any other month according to some report I read while researching for my auntie who was wondering if she's sleeping more lately because of the season or because she's ninety-one.
including,
"Ask the person directly about his or her feelings, even though it may be awkward. Listen to what the person has to say, and take it seriously. Just talking to someone who really cares can make a big difference."So--here's that post from 2016:
REFUELING
People in the northern hemisphere sleep more in October than any other month according to some report I read while researching for my auntie who was wondering if she's sleeping more lately because of the season or because she's ninety-one.
I've been sleeping more too:
besides
the dwindling light, I've been a little sad lately because of some sad
things. For both reasons, I changed coffee shops back to Bob's, which
has big, sunny windows (and an old gas pump):
But aside from getting a little more sun, I don't need to pump myself up if I'm feeling sad; it's better to lie low for a while.
And I find it comforting to read about other people who live with sadness or even with depression--so yesterday I was reading and watching some of those stories online.
I had to turn a lot of them off though:
the ones that are full of expert advice to get out and exercise, eat more Omega 3s, etc. just make me feel like a loser.
Psychologist Sami Moukaddem in his TEDx talk on living with depression & suicidal thoughts says the same thing: well-meaning lifestyle advice can make him feel lonelier and worse:
"And the last thing I need is another sense of defeat."
"You find your way back to the shore…"
I'm not depressed, just sad because of circumstances, but Moukaddem's story applies to sadness too--his suicidal depression was caused by circumstances, including being a child in Lebanon during the civil war [via his bio])--and he went on to work with people who've survived extreme trauma.
From the transcript "Sami Moukaddem on Living with Depression and Suicidal Feelings":
"Not all depression is the same... I see [my depression] as more of a physical illness, and an ailment of the soul and the psyche. In my situation, I was clear that there was trauma in my childhood. So I decided I was going to approach it through psychology work and not take drugs.
"The best analogy I can come up for depression is that you are in the sea and the current pulls you. When the current pulls you, the common wisdom is that you don’t fight it, because if you fight it you get exhausted and you drown. The wisdom is to surrender to it. Wait for the current to spit you out and then you find your way back to the shore.
And that is what thirty years of depression means to me. Thirty years of finding my way back to the shore."Also--look--he has a stuffed animal!
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/sorMd2ZHWM8" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
"It's OK not to be OK"
My sadness is not much related to how Kevin Hines felt when his brain disease (bipolar disorder) drove him to jump off the Golden Gate bridge (he was one of the less than 1% who survive the jump), but I really liked him and what he has to say too:
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WcSUs9iZv-g" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
When I'm up for it, I do appreciate the sort of 10-steps lifestyle advice he writes about here, especially since it comes from the inside:
"After My Suicide Attempt, I Made This Plan to Stay Alive and Well"
Kevin is also part of a good article, "Jumpers" from the New Yorker. (Thanks for reminding me, Michael.)
"We love you, my heart…"
And then, from the other side, there's this story about sixty-one year old Julio De Leon, who was cycling across the George Washington Bridge when he saw a young man who'd climbed over the railing.
“I
got off my bike,” Mr. De Leon said, spreading his arms, as if he were
going to embrace the air. “I showed my hands like that. I started to
move to him a little bit.
"I said: ‘Don’t do it. We love you, my
heart,’ something like that.
_________________
For more info or help if you are struggling:
"The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in
distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones,
and best practices for professionals."
Outside of the United States, please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.
Outside of the United States, please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.
